Three mistakes to avoid when calming your upset child - and what to do instead.

Today I want to talk about something really powerful - how the way we respond to a child's emotions can shape whether they spiral further into distress or find their way back to calm. 

When a young person is anxious, sad, overwhelmed, or right on the edge of fight, flight, or freeze, our instinct as adults is usually to try to make that feeling go away as quickly as possible. And we often do that by using phrases like, "You'll be fine", "There's nothing to worry about", "Look, this really isn't a big deal".

And this comes from a very kind and well-intentioned place. We desperately want the young person to feel better, but this approach can unintentionally minimise what the child is experiencing.

It shuts down the emotion, rather than helping the young person to understand it, and it doesn't teach them how to manage these difficult feelings next time.

On the other hand, some adults because they feel triggered or overwhelmed, focus on the behaviour rather than the underlying emotion. So a child's tears or anger can be seen as a sign of weakness, a lack of control, manipulation, or disobedience. And so the adult responds with telling off, anger, threats or issuing consequences.

But this doesn't help the young person to understand why they feel the way they do, and it can strain the relationship at the exact moment that the child most needs connection.

And then there's a third approach. Some adults respond with deep empathy and comfort, which is lovely, but they then don't go on to offer guidance. They soothe, but they don't teach. So the child receives comfort, but they miss out on chances to learn how to problem solve, self-soothe, and manage really difficult feelings.

Each of these responses may work in the moment, but none of them consistently help the child to build emotional understanding or long-term regulation skills.

So what does help? This is where co-regulation comes in. Co-regulation means tuning into your child's emotional state - even if the behaviour isn't okay - and helping them feel safe enough to calm down. It is warmth, empathy, boundaries, and teaching altogether. It is saying "In our presence, your feelings make sense. I'm here with you, and together we can work out how to handle this".

Through co-regulation, we help the child understand their emotions, separate their feelings from their behaviours, and learn healthier ways to cope next time. The aim isn't to remove their feelings, it's to help them regulate enough to think clearly, problem solve, and eventually self-soothe.

And over time, through repeated experiences of being soothed, understood and guided. Children internalise this. They learn to recognise what's going on inside them. They learn that all feelings are normal and manageable, and they learn skills that will help them to navigate the ups and downs of school, friendships and life.

If you'd like help putting this into practice, on the 2nd of December, I'll be running a workshop for parents all about how to support your child through fight, flight, or freeze using exactly the approach I've talked about today. I'll share step-by-step guidance on what to do in the moment, how to prevent escalation and what to say afterwards so that these moments become less frequent over time. I'll post the signup details very soon.

And in the meantime, if you'd like a quick two page guide with simple phrases and steps you can take when your child is already in fight, flight, or freeze. You can download it here.