What you and your child need most this summer.

If this has been a really difficult school year for your child, and for your family, I'd like to suggest one thing to prioritise over the summer - just reconnecting with your child.

When a child is anxious about school, it's so easy for family life to become all about surviving the next school day.

Every morning can feel like a battle. Your child doesn't want to go. You're trying to stay calm, but at the same time you're worrying about getting to work, getting everyone else out of the door, and somehow holding everything together.

Some mornings you manage to stay patient.  Other mornings  might end in raised voices, tears or everyone leaving the house feeling awful. When everyone is under that much pressure, relationships often take a bit of a battering.

One of the great things about the summer holidays is that they give families a chance to press the reset button. For a little while the pressure eases and you get the chance to remember what it's like to simply enjoy being together again.

Now, I know some of you will be thinking, "That sounds lovely, Nicky... but my child doesn't want to do anything so how can we do nice things together" 

Maybe they don't want to go on day trips. Maybe they don't want to meet up with friends. Perhaps they've gone right off holidays, trying new foods or going somewhere busy.

And that's OK.

Instead of trying to create the summer the media tells you they should have, start with the summer they actually need and want.

Ask them what they'd enjoy. Then, if you can, spend just 15-20 minutes a day doing that with them.

It doesn't have to be anything remarkable. It might be sitting beside them while they play Minecraft or Roblox. Watching anime together. Baking. Drawing. Walking the dog. Or simply sitting alongside them while they get absorbed in something they love.

For those 20 minutes, try putting your phone away. Let your child lead. Resist the temptation to teach, or organise the activity. Instead, just join their world for a little while. Be interested. Notice what they're notice. Comment on what they're doing.

"That took ages to build."

"I can see why you like this game."

"Tell me about that character."

Sometimes you might chat. Sometimes you might hardly say anything at all. That's fine. Just being fully present with them is often enough.

The aim isn't to get them talking about school and itt’s not to fix their anxiety.  It's simply to help them experience you as someone who enjoys spending time with them.

Those moments of connection can be very powerful as they help rebuild and strengthen your relationship. If, by the end of the holidays, your child feels a little more connected to you than they did at the beginning, you've done something really valuable.

One final thought. Summer can also be a really good opportunity for you to step back and reflect on what is going on.  When you're no longer caught up in the stress of the school run every morning, it's often easier to see the bigger picture. I've put together a free School Anxiety Checklist that can help you think about the reasons school might be difficult for your child., so you start September with a much clearer understanding of what's really going on, rather than feeling like you're guessing. You can download it here.