Why your child may seem "fine at school" - but melts down at home.

Have you ever been told by school that your child is “fine” during the day — but then at home, you see something completely different? Crying, meltdowns, saying they hate school, refusing to go...

It's something I hear from parents a lot. So what's really going on? 

Often, the first assumption is that a child is masking - putting on a brave face at school and holding everything in until they get home. And that is certainly true for many young people. But I think it's worth looking a little deeper - because there are actually different kinds of masking, and sometimes something else entirely different might be going on. 

Some masking is autistic masking. This is when autistic people consciously or unconsciously try to appear non-autistic in order to fit in - maybe forcing eye contact, suppressing stimming or hiding sensory discomfort. While this might help them blend in socially, it can also be exhausting and lead to a sense of not really belonging - of wondering, "Who am I really?". That's a heave emotional load to carry, especially for a child trying to navigate school every day.  

But not all masking is autistic masking. For example, children with social anxiety might behave in very similar ways. They plan conversations ahead, hide their true opinions or avoid standing out - not to hide autism, but to avoid being judged or rejected.  And this kind of constant social pressure can also lead to overwhelm, especially when they finally reach the safety of home. 

And young people who are struggling with their work or bullying or difficulty social relationships, may feel embarrassed and ashamed and not want other to know about their struggles. Or they may not want to be the center of attention or to bother others.

For other children, it might not be about masking at all. They experience school as overwhelming or distressing, but they aren’t trying to deliberately hide this from others. Instead, some young people can’t find the words to explain how they feel — or they don’t believe anyone at school will listen, understand, or help so they don’t see any point talking to staff.

Sometimes, the real challenge is transitioning between home and school — because some young people really struggle with shifting between settings, people and activities. For some kids, that points of transition are the hardest part of the day. So once the transition has happened, everything calms down.

And for others, anxiety itself is the barrier. Lots of children are worried about school because they are coping with situations that are genuinely hard. Maybe they are being bullied, or they can’t do the work, or their neurodiversity means they experience things as much more challenging than their NT peers, such as the sensory environment. But sometimes anxiety is irrational and can make our young people expect the worst, even when things are actually manageable. So at home, the fear feels huge — but once in school, they cope and they genuinely are OK. But the next morning, the worry may take over again.

The first and most important step is understanding why your child finds school so hard. That understanding helps you work out what kind of support will help them most. But in the meantime, you still need ways to manage those big, emotional moments — especially when your child is in fight, flight or freeze mode.

To help with that, I’ve created a free downloadable guide with simple “dos and don’ts” for when your child is highly distressed — including a short script you can adapt to help bring them back to calm.
You can download it here.