Ever been told, "Just make them go in"?

I was talking to a parent recently who said a teacher had said to them, "You just need to make them go into school."

And I found myself thinking, "If it was that simple, would that parent be here sitting, talking to me, an educational psychologist?"

Because most parents I know desperately want their children to go into school. They know education matters. They know attendance matters. They're really worried about their child missing out, and they're desperately concerned about the future. And so when somebody says, "Just make them go in", it can make parents feel as if they're failing.

But here's the thing. I've never met a parent who hasn't already really tried. They're coaxing, encouraging, negotiating, reassuring, pleading, and worrying, and they're often feeling absolutely exhausted by it all.

And the only parents I know who aren't doing that have usually reached a point when, after months or sometimes even years of great distress, they've made the really difficult decision to prioritise their child's wellbeing while they try to understand what needs to change.

Because when a child is struggling to attend school, it's rarely a simple question of whether they go or don't go. The real question is, what's making school feel so hard right now? Because if we don't understand that, we're often left having exactly the same battles over and over again.

And that's why when parents come to see me, one of the first things we do isn't to talk about attendance. We try to understand what's going on and what's getting in the way, what's making school feel unsafe, overwhelming, or difficult.

Because once you understand that, then you can start making a plan. And having a plan feels very different from feeling stuck.  

If you're feeling stuck at the moment, I've created the School Anxiety Checklist, which helps you think through some of the different factors that can make school difficult for children and young people, and you can download it here.  

And remember, needing to understand the problem before you solve it isn't making excuses. It's usually when progress starts.